


it’s in the quiet moments that truth reveals itself

by bluroflights



Series: i was made for loving you [1]
Category: Station 19 (TV)
Genre: Angst, But don't we all?, Character Study, F/F, Love at First Sight, carina didn't deserve that, maya needs lots of therapy, so much hurt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-29
Updated: 2020-10-29
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:55:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27259051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluroflights/pseuds/bluroflights
Summary: Reality waits for Maya to finally confront it, just as she breaks the heart of the woman she loves.or,An extension of that heartbreaking scene in 3x15.
Relationships: Maya Bishop/Carina DeLuca
Series: i was made for loving you [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2022010
Comments: 4
Kudos: 65





	it’s in the quiet moments that truth reveals itself

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoy!

**it’s in the quiet moments that truth reveals itself**

**.**

**.**

**.**

She slams the door behind her. The sound rattles against the walls of her room and adrenaline and rage ring through her ears. Her heart’s beating a mile a minute and her mind is spinning so fast that she has to brace herself against the nearest surface. She breathes in and out to steady herself, practices the exercises she uses to conserve her oxygen intake while in a burning building or when she’s on the last leg of a particularly difficult run. Then, something snaps her out of it and she’s thrust into the reality of her situation. The quiet settles in.

She hates it.

Maya has always hated quietness, or rather, she was taught to. Quietness meant being lazy when she could’ve been studying or training. Quietness meant her eyes weren’t forward. Quietness meant her father’s boiling rage. But Maya is good at shoving the quietness away, and focusing her attention on something else but this time, someone else beats her to it.

Maya’s ripping off the clothes from her body when she hears her. 

Carina is still here. Still sitting where Maya left her – where Maya broke her.

She’s crying, and something inside Maya breaks.

Her entire life has been about racing towards the finish line. Sleep was for the dead. And Maya? Well, she certainly was not dead – much to her chagrin. She was taught that life was about the glory, about medals and making captain and being smart and witty and good in bed and the first on the scene. There was no time for love or friends or rest. Until she joined the fire academy. Joining the academy had been on a whim, (and something in her knows that it was to get away from her dad but that’s not something she wants to admit right now) but the minute she stepped onto academy grounds, it was like something in her clicked. Sure, she could’ve joined the police or the military to get away and immerse herself in purpose but something about rushing into burning buildings and saving people while they were on the brink of death gave her a rush. The same one that she’d get while hitting her stride during a particularly aggressive run (which wasn’t a feeling she’d had since winning her medal - her love for running ended the minute she’d found out her brother OD’d, all alone). So, she took all the lessons she’d learned from a decade of training and applied it towards becoming the best firefighter she could be. Then, something happened – she made a friend. Andy was a legacy and Maya was an Olympian but neither of them cared about any of that. They both cared about the work and pushed each other to be the best, to show all the muscle-heads in their class that they deserved this just as much if not more than them. And somewhere along the way, Maya opened up a little and she had a best friend. Andy came barreling in anywhere she went (which she guesses is a great trait for a firefighter) and was oblivious to the giant barriers that Maya had set up around her personal life. And for a while, things were good. They both graduated – with top marks, of course – they were both stationed at the best firehouse in the city – 19 – and they were each other’s confidants and support systems. Then Maya made more friends, and eventually she had a small family. One that ran into burning buildings and saved people from the brink of death, and maybe even occasionally rescued kittens from trees. It was almost enough to make her forget about the finish line. Almost.

Then Ripley told her she would make a great lieutenant and suddenly, it was like the last 5-6 years didn’t happen. Maya knew that she’d eventually make it up the ladder and become a great leader within the department but she had been Andy’s cheerleader for so long that she forgot about her own fire that was inside her. Wanting more for herself and stepping into her own capability was one thing, but for Maya, it just so happened that glory was inextricably tied to her father and all the ways he pushed, pushed, pushed, and pushed her. Her blinders went up and she went for the one thing she knew she deserved: to be a leader. That’s not to say everything that happened was her fault. Yeah, she knew she could be cold and calculating and sometimes she didn’t know how to express what she was feeling in the right way, but her supposed friends - her family - also neglected her. Andy talked about nothing but herself and her issues, barreling past personal boundaries and content with Maya just being her sidekick; Jack was so engrossed in his anger and presumed to know her so well that he’d made it his personal mission to convince everyone how terrible of a person she was; and everyone else shut out Maya the minute she made Captain, forgetting that they had all been a family just days before. And just like that, she was alone again. And all the people that were supposedly her family thought that she was the bad guy, that she had somehow deliberately gone out of her way to undercut her best friend, that she was a terrible leader because she wanted her team to be at peak capacity, that she was a truck that had plowed into Station 19 and destroyed a family.

But she wasn’t. She was a damn good captain, and maybe it might take her a while to get good at the mother-hen side of the job, but no one gave her the patience or the understanding to find her way. She didn’t set out to undercut Andy from her promotion and yeah, maybe she could’ve handled that situation better but Sullivan had made the choice to give her the job. And the hard truth was that Andy was dealing with too much to be able to be a good captain then. Maya just so happened to not be in that position. And she was more than capable to handle the responsibilities, make the necessary calls, and face down misogynist men in power like Dixon.

But instead, everyone chose to see a cold, calculating, drill sergeant rather than who she really was - compassionate, fierce, loyal, and a fragile human being with feelings.

Maya was broken. That much she could admit to herself. But Maya didn’t know any other way than to be prideful, so she put on a smile, barked orders, bit her cheek at the clear instances of insubordination and downright cruelty from the people that were supposed to have her back, and stuffed all the feelings down. But she had done such a great job of putting the pieces back together and fooling everyone into thinking she was bright and shiny and new that no one took another glance.

And then Carina did.

Carina blinded her with her dazzling smile and sunshine and compassion, and for once, she felt like it was okay to let go of holding the pieces of herself together.

That things would be okay.

That she could rest.

And then the universe decided to throw in an unexpected visit from her mother and a kind, beautiful, supportive, caring maybe-girlfriend that she was probably on the verge of falling in love revealing the truth about her father, and it was just all too much. Maya had been doing just fine on her own holding together the pieces of herself and denying reality and stuffing her feelings down and being alienated from her family if it meant being captain. She was just fine, goddamnit!

(She was not fine.)

But now she was wide open, her walls bearing a Carina-shaped hole, and feeling extremely cornered at every turn.

And the only person around she could rage against was Carina. She was angry at her for creeping into her life and tearing her walls down; for being supportive and emotionally mature; for convincing her to drop her guard and learn to rest; for being such a _good_. fucking. person. And more than that, she was angry at herself for being stupid enough to hoping she could have all those things, that maybe she Carina was her chance at something real. But most of all, she was angry at herself for being stupid enough to not see what everyone else saw all along – she had been emotionally and psychologically abused by her father.

So, she did what she does best: she ran.

First, away from Carina and her apartment’s suffocating enclosure. Then, away from Andy and her spiraling insistence of her own father’s deception. Then, away from Jack’s blunt observation of her and her father, and then, suddenly straight into his arms.

Every second, there was an incessant voice in the back of her head that sounded an awful lot like Carina’s laugh and croons in Italian and every time she closed her eyes Carina being startled at her angry chopping replayed behind them. And she ran from that too.

When the quiet settled on top of them, and they’d realized what they’d done, Maya ran again. She ran to go hide, back to the suffocating walls of her apartment, and away from the regret, and the shame, and probably the biggest mistake of her life. But the only feeling she was willing to feel at the moment was anger. So, even as her eyes met Carina and realization that she had waited all day for her set in, Maya pushed back the shame and spat anger towards the other woman’s direction.

When the door slammed shut, and she faced an empty bed, there was suddenly no one to be angry at anymore. The quiet set in. And it felt like a sharp slap to the face. Or more aptly, a building being crushed on top of her.

Maya teared at her own clothing, trying to rip all the grime of shame that she felt on her skin. She was so engrossed in the action that she forgot about what she had just done to the woman that she loved until she heard it.

Carina crying; whimpering in heartbreak; and choking to hold it all in.

And it wasn’t the quiet that haunted her anymore.

It was then, she knew she was truly and utterly broken. Maya was incredibly skilled at self-sabotage, and in turn, hurting the people she cared for. Tonight was the latest and boldest example of just how good she was at it. And a stark reminder that Maya wasn’t worthy of happiness, or glory, or love. And definitely not worthy of Carina.

While she listened to the woman she loves crumple, Maya knew there was no option to run away this time. No more hiding. No more denying. No more moving on. Reality was finally waiting for her to confront it.

She moves to turn back, retrace her footsteps to witness the mess she’d made, but before Maya could turn to rush to Carina and grovel at her feet, she hears harsh, angry footsteps stomp past her room and the front door slam shut.

And then, another moment of quiet; the world standing still.

And for the first time in her life, she finally directs her anger at the one person who truly deserves it: her father.

**Author's Note:**

> Who else cannot WAIT for the season 4 premiere?! Honestly, the only thing getting me through after this devastating scene is knowing that Carina and Maya will make it through. I can't wait to see what the writers have in store of them next season (just hope they actually deal with that happen instead of magically getting over it). 
> 
> Anyway, let me know what you think!


End file.
